How to Not Drive Each Other Crazy During Self-Isolation

Getting closer to the family has been a long-awaited and enriching experience for some people and a crisis for others. Don’t get discouraged if you belong to the latter group and you feel anxious, annoyed, or helpless. These feelings prove how valuable your relationships are. We have discussed this issue with Maria Shvets, psychologist of the HSE Psychological Counselling Centre.

Maria Shvets

Psychologist, Psychological Counselling Centre

Remember that your family is experiencing similar feelings. Their lives have changed dramatically, and they need to adjust to the new reality, too. It is no one’s fault that it hasn’t been easy. This situation can be used as an opportunity to make your relationships stronger.

How self-isolation may affect our emotional state

• Sensory hunger: We lived in the rhythm of a big city, anticipating the arrival of spring and planning our workdays and weekends. Now that we find ourselves in closed quarters, we may feel as if we can’t breathe. We may feel tired, wishing we could hibernate and not wake up until it is all over. This can’t help but affect our motivation in our work or studies;
• Forced self-isolation: We feel as if we are being held hostage, especially when nothing is happening around us. This may result in helplessness and trigger annoyance and despair;
• Broken plans, uncertain future;
• Separation from the people you care most about: your friends, your loved ones, your teachers;
• Inability to continue our jobs or business: We are forced to change our live patterns.

 

Remember that those in your household are in the same situation. So here we have a family whose members are accustomed to different paces of life and who now must meet on common grounds. Everyone is suffering from something they have been deprived of, and we can only imagine how deeply this may be affecting others.

The current situation is a good opportunity to realize what is going on in your relationship and how it may influence your life. Think of both the negative and positive aspects.

What conflicts you may face

Violation of privacy

Suppose you managed to gain independence after leaving your parents’ place to live in another town, where you learned to be self-reliant. Now that you have moved back, you may find yourself unable to control everything. Moreover, your parents’ care may seem even more annoying. This is due to the overall level of anxiety, as more often than not we prefer to ignore our fears and seek control and predictability in other people’s lives. 

If this causes you discomfort, try to estimate the amount of care which is acceptable for you and explain to your parents that, while you appreciate some of their attentiveness, some of it makes you feel uncomfortable and puts you ill at ease.

 

Disruptive coalitions

You may witness and feel dragged into others’ complicated relationships: this is what family psychology calls a ‘coalition’. Dysfunctional coalitions are alliances of some family members against another member, and most often they are arranged vertically—kids may align themselves with their mom against their dad, a grandmother may align herself with her granddaughter against the girl’s mother, etc. Each member of the coalition pursues his or her own secret emotional ends. These relationships are rarely enjoyable, they are tiring, and they create feelings of guilt because of the harm caused to the person this coalition is aligned against.

The key thing in these circumstances is to realize your own role as a member of the coalition. You need to understand why you’ve joined this alliance and how you think you will benefit from your position. This will facilitate open communication with each of the coalition members.

If the level of trust in your family is quite high, try discussing each member’s perspective on the situation. It might be enough to withdraw from the coalition to break the existing deadlock. For example, as soon as you stop taking your mom’s side in her arguments with your grandma, you will see the dynamics of the argument change, and the argument may soon cease altogether.

Lack of interest in each other

Some families have run out of things to talk about, which means they can only discuss external problems: politics, the economic crisis, coronavirus, etc. 

Think about what is interesting about your family members and what you would like to learn about them. It is often enough to take the first step and look at your family member from a different perspective, not as a person you know inside and out and whose every move you can predict. We oftentimes live not with real people, but with our own expectations, pains, and fears.

Things you used to avoid may be good occasions for getting together:

• Looking through photo albums
• Planning a family holiday after the quarantine
• Putting together a cook book of your family’s recipes
• Visiting with your grandparents and family friends online
• Watching family-themed movies and discussing them afterwards
• Discussing things you have wanted to do for quite some time
• Playing board games

Feeling lonely when you have a partner

In a romantic relationship, it may happen that you get lonely when your partner or spouse becomes more distant or immerses themselves in their work or studies. This will most probably hurt and upset you. We often become resentful or distant and expect our partner to notice and become concerned. Alternatively, we ask for more attention, make demands, or make accusations. You may feel frustrated because you have tried everything but haven’t been heard, and you may doubt the strength of your feelings. 

In this situation, you need to realize that you are particularly frustrated and upset about the loss of love. This plays out in your imagination in catastrophic scenarios, increasing your feeling of abandonment and demonizing your partner in your eyes. However, you should understand that your fear is just one of the possible scenarios, and not the reality. Try to describe the situation through the facts: if the partner hasn’t phoned or texted you, it doesn’t mean he or she has abandoned you.

When you have a talk with your partner, you should start by asking how things are going with them before you describe your emotions. You may describe what you feel in the form of suggestions: tell your partner what you expect from him or her so that you can set aside some quality time with each other. Think of new ways to support each other.

After you make sure that the problem is not rooted in your love going cold, structure your life so that you can keep yourself busy, too. Do something useful and feel productive.

What to do when there is a conflict

1. Psychological abuse occurs when we see our partner or family member as a ‘bad guy’ or inferior to us, when we look down on them, or when we believe that this person neither is as worthy as we are nor has the same rights. Psychological abuse includes insulting, humiliating, accusing or treating others indifferently, refusing to discuss problems. Sometimes it is difficult to perceive abuse, as it may not be obvious. People can accuse and put others down without raising their voices or even with a smile of their faces. Conversely, confrontation may be accompanied by anger and yelling, although we may still see our opponent as an equal;
2. To get on better with one another, we should turn violence into a conflict rather than avoiding confrontation. This method pays off in any everyday situation. It is important to motivate the opposite side by demonstrating the root of your disagreement. Each position is a piece of a single puzzle, and you need to place them all on the table to see the overall problem and all its challenges. Therefore, every one of us would prefer an open confrontation: we are able to address the problem from which we are suffering once we have examined it. Outline your most important objectives, tell your family member about it and listen to their perspective. Look for common ground—areas where you think alike—and point them out;
3. If you have overstepped the mark and abused your loved one, you should apologize for this by mentioning expressly what you have done and saying that you regret your loved one had to experience it. Listen to the other side to find out whether your apologies are accepted. Your partner may lay out conditions you have to meet in order to be forgiven, and you will be able to come to a compromise;
4. Remember that in a conflict situation people are more likely to listen to each other’s rational arguments, while the question of who’s got the power—who is right and who is wrong—appears to be a stumbling block;
5. If you have experienced abuse or violence, make it clear that you are not going to put up with it and you are ready for a discussion as long as your partner lets you know the facts. If your partner understands that you’ve been hurt, explain what exactly made you defensive;
6. Think of the benefits you may have as a result of your constructive communication and attempt to achieve an agreement;
7. If you couldn’t stop yourself from using violence, try to be sympathetic to yourself and analyze why this happened. Take the first step towards making up with your partner.

 

Illustrations: Maria Eremina 

April 14, 2020